Transcripted by Yours Truly

A Rob Reiner Film

Harry Burns - Billy Crystal
Sally Allbright - Meg Ryan
Marie - Carrie Fisher
Jess - Bruno Kirby
Joe - Steven Ford
Alice - Lisa Jane Persky
Amanda - Michelle Nicastro

(Another old couple)

Woman: Well, he was the head counsellor and the boys' camp and I was the head counsellor at the girls' camp, and they had a social one night, and he walked across the room.  I thought he was coming to talk to my friend Maxine, 'cos people were always crossing rooms to talk to Maxine.  But he was coming to talk to me, and he said...

Man: I'm Ben Small of the Coney Island Smalls.

Woman: At that moment I knew.  I knew the way you know about a good melon.

(Sally and Marie walking to a restaurant.  Harry and Jess doing the same thing.  Harry is introducing Sally to Jess and Sally is introducing Marie to Harry at a match-making dinner)

Sally: You sent flowers to yourself.

Marie: Sixty dollars I spent on this big stupid arrangement of flowers and I wrote a card that I planned to leave on the front table Arthur would just happen to see it.

Sally: What did the card say?   Marie: "Please say yes.  Love Jonathan."

Sally: Did it work?

Marie: He never even came over.  He forgot this charity thing that his wife was a chairman of.  He's never going to leave her!

Sally: Of course he isn't.

Marie: You're right, you're right, I know you're right.  Where is this place?

Sally: Somewhere in the next block.   Marie: Uh... I can't believe I'm doing this.

Sally: Look, Harry is one of my best friends and you are one of my best friends and if by some chance you two hit it off then we could all still be friends in stead of drifting apart the way you do when you get involve with someone who doesn't know your friends.

Marie: You and I haven't drifted apart since I started seeing Arthur.

(Sally stops walking, turns to Marie)

Sally: If Arthur ever left his wife and I actually met him I'm sure that you and I would drift apart.

Marie: He's never going to leave her.

Sally: Of course he isn't.

Marie: You're right, you're right, I know you're right.

(Harry and Jess now)

Jess: I don't know about this.

Harry: It's just a dinner.

Jess: You know I've finally gone to a new place in my life where I'm comfortable with the fact that it's just me and my work.  If she's so great why aren't you taking her out?

Harry: How many times do I have to tell you, we're just friends.

Jess: So you're saying she's not that attractive.

Harry: No, I told you she *is* attractive.   Jess: Yeah but you also said she has a good personality.

Harry: She *has* a good personality.

(Jess stops walking, turns to Harry, raises his arms in the air)

Harry: What?

Jess: When someone is not that attractive, they're always described as having a good personality.

Harry: Look, if you would ask me, "What does she look like?" and I said, "She has a good personality."  That means she's not attractive.  But just because I happened to mention that she has a good personality, she could be either.  She could be attractive with a good personality, or not attractive with a good personality.

Jess: So which one is she?

Harry: Attractive.

Jess: But not beautiful, right?

(Harry walks away.)

(They are now all at a table in the restaurant.  Jess is telling Sally about writing.  Marie is talking with Harry about something to do with hostages. Both group are not really happening at all.  (and I couldn't be bothered transcripting all those cross-talk.)) (Eventually, they stopped.  Long silence.  All four looking uncomfortable.)

Sally: Harry, you and Marie are both from New Jersey.

Marie: Really.

Harry: Where are you from?

Marie: South Orange.

Harry: Haddenfield.   Marie: Ah!....

(Silence.  Harry and Marie are both holding a polite smile.  Then, nothing. And both turn back to the table, looking blank.)   Harry: So, what are we going to order?

Sally: Well I'm going to start with the grilled riddichio.

Harry: Jess, Sally is a great orderer.  Not only does she always pick the best thing in the menu but she orders it in a way that the chef didn't even know how good it could be.

Jess: I think restaurants have become too important.

Marie: Mmm I agree.  Restaurants are to people in the eighties what theatre was to people in the sixties.  I read that in magazine.   Jess: I wrote that.

Marie: Get outta here.

Jess: No, I did, I wrote that.

Marie: I've never quoted anything from a magazine in my life, that's amazing, don't you think that's amazing?  And you wrote it!?   Jess: I also wrote "Pesto is the quiche of the eighties."

Marie: Get over yourself!

Jess: I did!

Marie: Where did I read that?   Jess: New York Magazine.

Harry: Sally writes for New York Magazine.

Marie: You know that piece had a real impact on me, I mean I, I don't know that much about writing but...

Jess: Well, well, it spoke to you, and that pleases me.

Marie: I.. I mean I really.. have.. you have to admire people who can be as... that articulate.

(Harry and Sally simultaneously looked at each other.  They each know what's going on.)

Jess: Nobody has ever quoted me back to me before.

(The four are walking along the street.)

Marie: Oh!  I've been looking for a pair of red suede pumps.

(In saying so Marie and Sally are in a place where they can talk, privately.)

Marie: What do you think of Jess?

Sally: Well, eh.

Marie: Do you think you could go out with him?

Sally: I don't know, eh.

Marie: 'Cos I feel really comfortable with him.

(Sally nodding her head, may be subconsciously.)   Sally: You want to go out with Jess.

Marie: If it's alright with you.

Sally: Sure, sure.  I'm just worried about Harry.  He's very sensitive, he's going through a rough period and I... I just don't want you to reject him right now.

Marie: I wouldn't, I totally understand.

(Harry and Jess now.)

Jess: If you don't think you're going to call Marie, do you mind if I call her?

Harry: No, no.

Jess: Good, good, good.

Harry: But for tonight you shouldn't.  I mean Sally's very vulnerable right now.  I mean you can call Marie, that's fine.  But just wait for a week or so, huh?  Don't make any moves tonight.

Jess: Fine, no problem, I wasn't even thinking about tonight.

(Sally and Marie walks over to the guys.)

Jess: Well I don't really feel much like walking anymore.  I think I'll get a cab.

Marie: I'll go with you!

Jess: Great!  Taxi!

(Jess and Marie hurried into the cab and it drives off, leaving Harry and Sally alone, again.  They turn and look at each a other, a little bewildered.)

(Another old couple.)

(Woman nods while the man kept talking.)

Man: A man came to me and said, "I found nice girl for you, she lives in the next village, and she is ready for marriage."  We were not suppose to meet until the wedding, but I wanted to make sure.  So I sneak into her village, hid behind a tree, watch her washing the clothes.  I think if I don't like the way she looks, I don't marry her.  But she look very nice to me.  So I said, "OK." to the man.  We get married.  We married for fifty five years.

(Four months later...)   (Harry and Sally are out shopping for a gift for Marie and Jess.) (Harry slam dunks on a toy basketball hoop and said...)

Harry: I have to get this.  I have to get this.

Sally: Harry, we're here for Jess and Marie.

Harry: I know, we'll find them something.  There's great stuff here!

Sally: We should've gone to the plant store.

Harry: Here, perfect for them.   (Harry puts a helmet on Sally.)

Sally: What's that?

Harry: Battery operated pith helmet, with fan.

Sally: Why is this necessary in life?

Harry: I don't know.  (Takes the helmet off Sally's head.) Look, look at this, it also makes great fries.  Oh, O-o, good, hold off the dogs, the hunt is over.  Sally, this is the greatest.

(Harry turns the machine on, now speaking through the microphone.)

Harry: Sally, please report to me.  Look at this, this is the greatest, you're going to love this.  This is a singing machine.  Look, you sing the... the lead and it has the backup and everything.  This is from Okalahoma!  Here is the lyrics right here.

Sally: "Surrey with the fringe on top".

Harry: Yes, perfect.   (Harry starts to sing.)

Harry: Ooo!   Chics and ducks and geese better scurry.  When I take you out in my surrey.  When I take you out in my surrey with a fringe, on top.  Now you.

Sally: (With Harry singing along.) Watch that fringe and see how it flutters. When I drive those high stepping strutters.  Nosy pokes will peek through the shutters and their eyes will pop.   (Sally keeps singing, Harry stopped as he saw something, or someone.)

Sally: The wheels are yellow the upholstery's brown and the dashboard's genuine leather.  With icy glass curtains that will... (Still on the microphone.) What?  It's my voice isn't it?  I hate my voice.  I know, it's terrible, Joe hate...

Harry: It's Helen.

Sally: (Still on the microphone.) Helen?

Harry: She's coming right towards me.

(Helen and a man approaches.)

Helen: How are you Harry?

Harry: Fine, I'm fine.

Helen: This is Ira Stod.  Harry Burns.

Ira: Harry.

Harry: I'm sorry.  This is Sally Allbright.  Helen Hillson and Ira.

Ira: Sally.

Helen: Nice to meet you.

Sally: Hi.

Helen: Well, see you.

Harry: Yeah, bye.  Nice to meet you, Ira.

Sally: Are you OK?

Harry: Yah, I'm perfect.  She looked weird, didn't she?  She looked really weird, she looked very weird.

Sally: I've never seen her before.

Harry: Trust me, she looked weird.  Her legs looked heavy, really, she must be retaining water.

Sally: Harry.

Harry: Believe me, the woman saved everything.

(They are at a flower shop, Sally holding a bunch of flowers.  Harry is starring into space.)

Sally: Sure you're OK?

Harry: Oh I'm fine.  Look it had to happen at some point, in a city of eight million people you're bound to run into your ex-wife so boom, it happens, and now I'm fine.

(Harry walks away.)

(They reach Jess and Marie's place.  They are looking at a wagon-wheel coffee table.)

Jess: I like it, it works.  It says home to me.

Marie: Alright, alright.  We'll let Harry and Sally be the judge.  (To Harry and Sally)  What do you think?

Harry: It's nice.   Jess: Case closed.

Marie: Of course he likes it, he's a guy.  Sally?

(Sally shakes her head.)

Jess: What's so awful about it?

Marie: It's so awful there's no way even to begin to explain what's so awful about it.

Jess: Honey, I don't object to any of your things.   Marie: If we had an extra room you could put all of your things including your bar stools.

Jess: No, honey, wait, wait, wait, honey, honey, wait, wait, wait... you don't like my bar stools?  (To Harry)  Harry, come on, someone has to be on my side.

Marie: I'm on your side, I'm just trying to help you have good taste.

Jess: I have good taste!

Marie: Everybody thinks they have good taste in a sense of humour but they couldn't possibly all have good taste.

Harry: You know it's funny.  We started out like this, Helen and I.  We had blank walls, we hung things, we picked out tiles together.  Then you know what happens?  Six years later you find yourself singing "Surrey with a fringe on top" in front of Ira!

Sally: Do we have to talk about this right now?

Harry: Yes, I think that right now actually is the perfect time to talk about this because I want our friends to benefit from the wisdom of my experience. Right now everything is great, everyone is happy, everyone is in love, but you got to know, that sooner or later, you're going to be screaming at other about who's going to get this dish.  This eight dollar dish will cost you a thousand dollars in phone calls to the legal firm of that's-mine-this-is-yours.

Sally: Harry...

Harry: Please, Jess, Marie, do me a favour for your own good, put your name in your books right now, before they get mixed up and you don't know who's is who's.  Because one day, believe it or not, you'll go fifteen rounds over who's going to get this coffee table.  This stupid, wagon wheel, Roy Rogers garage sale coffee table!

Jess: I thought you liked it.

Harry: I WAS BEING NICE!

(Harry walks out.)   Sally: He just bumped into Helen.

(Sally follows.)

Marie: I want you to know, that I will never, want that wagon wheel coffee table.   (Outside, with Sally trying to talk to Harry.)

Harry: I know I know I shouldn't have done it.

Sally: Harry, you're going to have to try and find a way of not expressing every feeling that you have, every moment that you have them.   Harry: Oh really?

Sally: Yes, there are times and places for things.   Harry: Well the next time you're giving a lecture series on social graces would you let me know, 'cos I'll sign up.

Sally: Hey!  You don't have to take your anger out on me.

Harry: Oh I think I'm entitled to throw a little anger your way, especially when I'm told how to live my life, by Miss Hospital-Corners.

Sally: What's that supposed to mean?

Harry: I mean nothing bothers you!  You never get upset about anything!

Sally: Don't be ridiculous!

Harry: What?  You never get upset about Joe.  I never see that back up on you. How is that possible?  Don't you experience any feelings of loss?

Sally: I don't have to take this crap from you!

Harry: If you're so over Joe, why aren't you seeing anyone?

Sally: I see people!   Harry: See people, have you slept with one person since you broke up with Joe?

Sally: What the hell does that have to do with anything?  That will prove that I'm over Joe, because I fucked somebody?  Harry you're going to have to move back to New Jersey because you've slept with everybody in New York and I don't see that turning Helen into a faint memory for you!  Besides I will make love to somebody when it is 'making love', not the way you do it like you're out for revenge or something!   Harry: Are you finished now?

Sally: Yes.

Harry: Can I say something?

Sally: Yes.

Harry: I'm sorry.  I'm sorry.

(Jess taking out the wagon wheel.)

Jess: Don't say a word.